Dear Friends and Family.
Our journey since May 11th, 2010 has been a difficult one. On May 11th we found out that we are anticipating the birth of another sweet baby boy, also on this day we found out that he has some significant abnormalities to his heart that will likely take his life before he reaches full term in September/October.
It was this news that caused/causes us so much pain, and heartache. We never imagined such a thing could ever happen… knowing your child was terminally ill in the womb and waiting… waiting for him to die, waiting and hoping he will be healed, waiting for the grief of not brining a baby home from the hospital, waiting… It was in this three week period of grief and waiting that I found deep comfort in Psalm 139, it reads:
O LORD, you have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away.
You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, O LORD, you know it completely.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, your right hand shall hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; that I know very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed.
How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
I try to count them—they are more than the sand;
I come to the end—I am still with you
There are a number of things from this passage that bring immeasurable peace.
~God knows our thoughts even before a word is on our tongues~
It was and sometimes still is so hard to know how to pray and what to pray for… sometimes we just sigh… what comfort there is in a God that knows us so completely.
~We are not alone~
We can NEVER run or hid from the Almighty! He is with us, “hems us in”, and is with us no matter where we find ourselves. Such peace we feel knowing that the dark is as light to him.
~God sees our unformed substance~
God loves all of us, with a PURE FATHER’S love! He is pained by our baby’s physical brokenness, He is pained at our parental loss, grief, and sadness, Psalm 100:3 says
Know that the LORD is God. It is he that made us, and we are His; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
~God stands with us~
We know that we do NOT make this journey alone, and when we come to the end (of all of life’s journeys) we are still with Him, and He with us.
After receiving our devastating news on the 11th we quickly realized that our son needed a name… WE needed him to have a name. Our son Peter, from the moment he knew we were expecting a baby, said we were having a boy and that we should name him, “Heavy,” so in his presence we call our baby son, Heavy… it is kind of his sweet nickname. Our baby’s formal names chose us more than us choosing them, (FYI, the order has not been determined).
The first name that brought us peace, and continues to, is a Hebrew name, Falito, meaning, “One who has been healed by God”. As we have begun to explain “Heavy’s” condition to Peter we have explained it to him that his brother is broken and the doctors can’t fix him. Mom can’t fix him, Dad can’t fix him. On several occasions, Peter will get his doctor kit and tell us he wants to fix his brother. We know that will not fix him either. We find comfort in the knowledge that when he leaves us our son will be made whole, “fixed” by God.
The second name that brought us peace, and continues to, is also a Hebrew name, Jessiah meaning, “God exists, a gift from God, God sees all” As we have traveled this journey the past few weeks we have experience the miracle of prayer. May 11th we were struck with such grief we physically could not stand, two weeks later, we were able to say with a praise filled heart, God is good, even in the midst of such pain… God exists… As we have shared our son’s story with friends, family and those in our community, people have been struck by it, reminded of God’s love for them, reminded of who God has created them to be. There is a song on the Christian radio station (a station my dial doesn’t happen to frequent… I listen to lots of preschool selections J) that I happened to pick up a few weeks before we found out about “Heavy’s” health problems. It took on a new meaning for me after we had our news,
MATT MAHER- HOLD US TOGETHER
Love will hold us together,
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I’ll be my brother’s keeper
So the whole world will know we are not alone
Our church family has truly sheltered us with love. We have never felt alone… phone calls… play dates… babysitters… meals… hugs, hugs, hugs. This has been a testimony to the power of God’s people as we share life with one another and to the power of the Holy Spirit moving among His people… aGift from God…
On June 7th we had a follow up ultrasound and found out that our son’s condition has worsened, he is only anticipated to live for another week or two, with only 10% chance of making it three weeks. We knew that this appointment would not be an easy one, but we were hopeful that it would give us something to prepare for, and that it has. We are beginning to think through the last parts of our journey with “Heavy” and to be honest, we feel heavy about the decisions that are before us and the road that we must travel. We covet your prayers.
On the night of June 6th/morning of June 7th, I had a dream that I held our son… and he was whole, perfect, smiling, a soft pink baby with fuzzy hair…a Gift from God, He has already healed him… I am thankful that Christ has overcome the world.
Since May 11th, our baby’s pictures have been framed and serve as the centerpiece on our dining room table, we talk freely about him and the journey we all are on with each other and our support network. Little Peter tells his brother jokes and stories and gives him all sorts of hugs; Maria loves to “pat baby.” We are cherishing each moment with him. On June 7th Peter and I saw him swallow two times on the ultrasound… a living moment, in our hearts FOREVER!...
We are thankful for the life that we have been given, we know to a fuller degree how precious it is. We are thankful and filled with wonder as we think about our two healthy children. As we hold them tight and love them deeply, to have brought them home is truly a gift…Life is a mix…
We hold fast to the promise that our God is a redeemer and a place of rest for our souls (Matthew 11:28-30). And it is here that we wait… and try to live as we wait… please wait with us and pray with us…
~Chelsea and Peter Fanchi
P.S. If you have noticed a name missing from this list, please forward it. Thank you.
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